Hoping to God that God is God - Part IV

Regardless of my understanding or ability to control, I felt free to bring my weary and melancholy self into God's presence...again. I am, indeed, powerless to truly solve my humanity with all my innate compulsions to defend, affirm and advance myself. The more I try, the more deeply vested and mired is my ego in itself and its addictions.

The whole Christian journey truly seems to be about God lovingly "un-ning" my false ways of navigating life, and inviting me to union with Him. This isn't just belonging - but joining - becoming one with, having my life hidden with; it is the no-longer-I-who-live-but-Christ-who-lives-in-me sort of stuff. It is the marrow of saints and mystics and martyrs and people who take vows of poverty and chastity and preach sermons to birds and care for the dying in the slums of India - right? Or is it the pith of me, you, the ordinary folk in the 21st century living in a glut of impotent spirituality?

I am woefully inadequate (and not to mention way too selfish and controlling) for union. And yet, I both long for and likely subconsciously sabotage this soul yearning in response to Divine Invitation. My inadequacy, at least in this corner of "my" life, ought to be the greatest cause for celebration. And yet, because my eyes are still too much on me, and what others might think of me, I struggle with feeling morose and discouraged.

Once again. Again. And again...Just as I am, I come. And for a brief moment a warm breath dissipates the despair. For a moment. Then once again, again, and again...just as I am, I come. Abiding, centering, veering off, re-centering, hoping to God that God is God...and flavoring me well in the midst of the marinating.

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