It seems like nothing spectacular happened during this time of sitting in silence with God - or perhaps I was on the verge of sleep - who am I to distinguish? I'm told by "dead friends" (medieval monastics and early Desert Fathers and Mothers who write on such things) that whether I feel anything or gain any insight, or not, is not the goal. Letting God do a deep, wordless work is my hope. Indeed, all I can do is hope to God that God is God...and good. Calm and Great; Fierce and gentle; Relentless and Tender.
I usually don't recognize that something happened til later - sort of like the two walking on the road to Emmaus - "Were not our hearts burning.....?" (Luke 24:32) or Jacob awaking from his sleep: "Surely the Lord was in this place and I did not know it." (Gen 28:16). Or how grapes appear from doing nothing much but being connected to the vine or how a flank steak absorbs its teriyaki flavor by marinating for hours on end. Transformation only becomes obvious when I inadvertently notice that I didn't react over-dramatically to something that normally gets my goat. Somehow I absorbed the flavor. Somehow the fruit develops. Somehow I notice that I once merely scurried across the dirt and now have wings to fly. Somehow all heaven and earth are moving in the depths of my soul - and I am unaware of it til later. Hmm, maybe something IS happening as I sit with God. What I don't like about it is that I'm not in control of it.
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