My initial resistance to "trust"
This was originally written and posted Sept 1, 2011. Though it's been a wee bit more than 5 years...and my life is very different (that is an understatement) - I am still called to the same thing. To trust. I'd like to say I trust God more than I used to...but I have no idea of how to measure it. That I keep coming to put my ear to Father's chest to be embraced and to listen means I continue to trust - even when the way seems unclear.
Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love,
he embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ.
He did all this on his own, with no help from us!
Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heaven in company with Jesus, our Messiah.
Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next
to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus.
Saving is all his idea, and all his work.
All we do is trust him enough to let him do it.
It's God's gift from start to finish! (Eph 2 MSG)
This morning as I settled into Mt. Sinai - my big recliner chair where I go to still my soul in God's presence - I centered my heart with the word, "Embraced." Each time my wandered to my to-do list, pick music, do my reimbursement, groceries to add to the list, etc. - I would breathe deeply, utter "embraced" and come back to a place of peace. I'm not sure how many times I had to utter my word...but I remember that each time I do so, I am "consenting" to open my heart to the One who has immense love and showers grace and kindnesses on me (Eph 2: 1-7 MSG)
Finally my heart settled. And I sensed deep call to my deep: "Trust me."
Immediately my body tensed. "Uh-oh," I worried, "what's gonna happen?" immediately followed by "You don't think I trust you?" with a whimpering sense of self-pity.
I am a tad disturbed by my reactions. Why do I immediately fear difficulties and impending deficits upon hearing God invite me to trust Him? What are the things I am not trusting Him with? Which relationships? What aspect of reFresh? Provision of finances? His forming me and this ministry entrusted to me? And, my defensiveness wanted to tout to God all the ways I have trusted him...for multiple decades now, thank you very much!
No specific applications.
No hint of anything on the horizon...but a plea to the depths of my soul to "Trust Me."
Today, I do not know what that will look like. In reality, I don't know what it looks like tomorrow either. But each moment, I will remember that I am in His embrace...He is trustworthy.
Breathe, Paula, breathe.
My greatest calling in life is to believe He is good. He is for me. He can be trusted with ALL of me.
Take a moment to settle and imagine hearing God say to you: "Trust me." What is your first response? (honestly...)
- Pay attention to your physical, embodied reactions.
- Do you get excited or fearful when you hear these words?
- What aspect of God helps you return to peace - i.e. what does He want to reveal to you about who He is so as to deepen your intimacy with and trust in Him?
On your journey of "trusting God" - consider having your spiritual journey "companioned" bya trained spiritual director. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice in the church – where a "soul friend" travels alongside and lends you courage to pay attention to all that your life – your true life – is voicing and longing to voice and contribute to a world in need. A Spiritual Director helps you engage with spiritual techniques that help you discover, recover or deepen your intimacy and enjoyment of the real God - not who you imagine, fear or want God to be. In Spiritual direction, the director does not direct or coach your life – but (s)he will help you overhear the nuances of your own soul in tandem with the True Director, the Holy Spirit. For more info or questions on how to find a Spiritual Director and/or ask what Spiritual Direction is all about, click here.