If we didn't know "Sunday's coming"...

If we didn't know “tomorrow” was coming....

The One accused of insurrection (rising up against)

will soon reveal Himself in resurrection (rising up again).

But for those stunned by the violence of His death, the now silent void, the agony of internal regrets, the wilting hope and arduous waiting and futile wondering, this day is hell. Sorrow, ambiguity, second-guessing, denial, replaying the scene over and over again...

"What if we could have done differently?"

"If only we knew...If only I had listened"

"If only I...

• ...hadn't waited to tell him I love him

• ...hadn't fought with the others about who was the greatest when he was suffering

• ...hadn't fallen asleep in prayer

• ...hadn't denied my love for him under fear of accusation

• ...hadn't deserted him and fled."

Without knowing the end of the story - it'd be easy to be angry at Pilate, the Pharisees, Judas, and even Jesus and God the Father who "willed" such a horrendous obedience. Or anger at myself for all I wish I would have done. Holy Saturday, it seems, is therapeutically designed to give us space to take a real, hard, honest look at our souls, our regrets, the things we wish we would have done differently, the places of unrest in our souls. To live this day knowing and jumping ahead to the end of the story robs us of the sanctifying work of grieving and, in modern AA language, an opportunity to admit our weaknesses as we take an honest, fearless moral inventory of our lives. We placate our pain, and our redemption, healing and the richness of forgiveness, by bypassing the tomb.

But today's the day to feel the lostness of my life without him. To honestly admit my struggles - my addictions to knowledge, food, affirmation, comfort, reputation, control, my savings account, privacy, measuring my success by the important and reputable people whom I know, busyness, numbing myself with media (fb, twitter, netflix, email, blogging), red wine and chocolate etc.

It is a day to admit my powerlessness and meager attempts to manage my human condition which prefers to worship me over all else. It is a day to realize how often I live in denial each time I avoid taking a courageous moral inventory because "at least I'm not as bad as him..." It is a day to believe (though, Lord, help my disbelief) that there is a Higher Power, a Greater Plan, a need to hold on to any thread of hope that's left outside of myself.

I'd much rather work in my garden, have a picnic in a park, finish my Easter dinner preparations - live life as "normal."

But "normal" isn't an option today.

I can try to deny, hide, justify and rationalize my humanity's foibles... busying myself with something else or say I'll get around to this later or forget all this morbid introspection and jump ahead to the good stuff of tomorrow's victory.

But if I didn't know tomorrow is coming... that tomorrow would bring not only relief, but change everything as I now know it... you, I, would be sober with our reality, the very reality we try to escape by our addictions and busyness. We'd take this day to feel deeply the extent of our misgivings, our questions, our restlessness, our mistakes. We'd feel how remaining unforgiven and harboring regrets mar even our best intentions.

The silence and aloneness of the tomb scares us.

A fearless moral inventory is for other addicts... I don't have a problem. I can quit anytime...

But tomorrow will mean nothing, if I do not, today, let the deep scarring within my humanity reveal my need for a Savior. I must be aware of the ways I live in illusions of control, knowledge, and the priorities of my agendas. I need to be willing to surrender my need to know, control and figure out, defend and procure a life of my choosing.

On this side of the resurrection I can go there because I know Someone Else knows how to sympathize with my weakness and offers mercy and grace in my time of need. I am not alone. I have no idea how the disciples endured these hours!

If ever there was a time of need, it is when Jesus has seemingly disappeared into a cold, dark, musty grave hewn in the side of a hill...and his followers who gave their all to become like them are left to wonder what life is really about.

All those arguments about who would be greatest don't seem so important anymore.

If I do not let my "self" - with all its fears, vulnerabilities, idiosyncrasies, dreams, illusions, preoccupations and ego-driven propensities toward jealousy, winning, being right, protection and control be crucified with Christ - I will not ever experience the reality Paul described in Col 3:3 and Gal 2:20. How can my life be hidden with Christ if I do not let myself die and be crucified with him?

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."2 Cor 7:10or as Eugene Peterson's Message puts it:

"Distress that drives us to God does that.

It turns us around.

It gets us back in the way of salvation.

We never regret that kind of pain.

But those who let distress drive them away from God

are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets"

If we didn't know tomorrow was coming, we would live today distressed. And the miracle of Christ's resurrection would utterly undo us in the morning, because it would leave us with all our regrets delivered! We would run to the tomb, to see for ourselves, that real life, given to us in His death and resurrection, is our greatest gift! But unless a kernel of wheat dies...it cannot bear fruit (Jn. 12:24).

Where is your distress leading you?

Lord, have mercy;

Christ, have mercy;

Lord, have mercy.

"Save Yourself!" - A Good Friday Liturgy

A Good Friday Responsive Reading: “Save Yourself”

NARRATOR:

Two others, also, who were criminals, were led away to be put to death with Jesus. And when they came to the place which is called Golgotha (The Skull), there they crucified him, and the criminals, one on the right and one on the left. And Jesus said, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do."

And they cast lots to divide his garments. And the people stood by, watching; but the rulers scoffed saying,

CROWD
Save yourself! Save yourself!

NARRATOR

And over his head they put the charge against him, which read, “This is Jesus, the King of the Jews.” And those who passed by derided Jesus, wagging their heads and saying,

CROWD:
“You who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save yourself! If you are the Son of God come down from the cross. Save yourself! Save yourself!”

NARRATOR:

So also the chief priests, with the scribes and elders, mocked him, saying,

PRIESTS:

“He saved others; he cannot save himself. He is the King of Israel; let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe Him. Save yourself! Save yourself!

NARRATOR:
The soldiers also mocked him coming up and offering him vinegar, and saying,

SOLDIERS

"If you are the King of the Jews, save yourself! Save yourself!"

NARRATOR:

One of the criminals who was crucified with him also reviled him in the same way, saying,

CRIMINAL:
"Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!"

CROWD:

Save yourself! Save yourself! Save yourself!

“Save yourself!”

It is practically a North American mantra! Prove yourselves by defying the odds, overcoming your weaknesses, saving time, money, hassles, pain…

Our iconic American heroes are those who have saved themselves (and therefore have the right to “save” others): Oprah, the Donald, Dr. Phil have all discovered the secrets to riches, success, beauty and a life of maximum leisure. They are the epitome of self-salvation.

Even within the family of faith, why is it that we tend to see God as being “with” those who have testimonies of overcoming trials and temptations and failures, but we don’t see God “with” those who are willfully letting their flesh be put to death?

Those who live in a counter-cultural stream of surrender may, just as Christ did on the cross, look like a dismal failure for not “saving themselves.”

“Save yourself” – do what it takes to be smart enough, self-sufficient enough, pretty enough not to be mocked nor taken advantage of.

“Save yourself” = prove yourself sufficient, adequate, worthy, powerful, capable, smart, and even lovable. If you can save yourself, then I can follow you.

Why do we mock and ridicule the poor, the uneducated and those who look and act different than us? Why do we think they need saving more than we do? Could it be we are accusing them of not being smart enough, hard-working enough, and sufficient enough to save themselves unlike the way we have?

New Year’s resolutions – millions of people every year resolve to “save themselves” by organizing, exercising, eliminating debt, pounds, those extra pairs of shoes in the back corner of the closet, as well as unhealthy habits. But will they/we let God save them/us? Will they/we say, “Not my will of personal salvation, but yours be done!”

God never ever says, “Save yourself!”

Amazon.com has over 58,000 self-help titles in their library. If you read one book a day, it’d take you nearly 159 years to read them all.

Does anyone see the irony in this mocking cry?

God never ever says, “Save yourself!”

But He invites us, “Come to me to live. Die to self, and you will gain abundant life!”

Personal Meditation

Look at Matthew 27:27-44

Consider: God’s solution for salvation.

Pray: Lord, let me accept Your death for my salvation.

Repent: Lord, these are the ways I try to save myself…

Trust: Lord, these are the ways I will trust you to save me…

The struggle of ordinariness...a Lenten reflection

46 They came to Jericho,

and as Jesus was leaving with his disciples and a large crowd,

a blind beggar named Bartimaeus son of Timaeus was sitting by the road.

47When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout,
Jesus! Son of David! Have mercy on me!
48Many of the people scolded him and told him to be quiet.

But he shouted even more loudly,
Son of David, have mercy on me!
(Mark 10:46-48 - Good News Translation)

I am struggling with the value of my days - wondering if what I do is actually productive and meaningful. I have a dozen friends who wonder the same as they fold laundry, push papers, make to-do lists they cannot manage, listen to others' latest fashion finds while standing in the church foyer, and scurry kids across town for violin lessons. I am so easily jaded by North American cultural norms that value things like busyness, productivity, efficiency and being accomplished. These norms make me restless with my ordinary days - I should get busy and do something more notorious, more exciting. Most days are neither notorious nor exciting.

The context of my 21st century life drives one kind of desperation...to manifest my own destiny and "make" something of my life. Yet within the depths of my own heart another desperation is pulsing - to be drawn beyond the pathologically overextended and self-absorbed norms of the world. Yet in my own morbid introspection in the push and pull between these various longings, I feel scolded by an innate sense of not being useful, effective or in control, and a little bit stuck and ordinary.

Scolded - that was the word that stood out in this morning's passage on Blind Bart - he was scolded for being desperate - for wanting. He knew what he wanted - he knew who could help him. His exhibition of need via verbal exclamation was quickly and very firmly "shushed." Well, an attempt was made to shush him - it didn't work so well.

My greatest scolding comes from within and seems to "shush" me far too easily:

• "I should know better by now."
• "Why can't I practice what I preach?"
• "When will I get this - my identity is not in what I do or how effective, capable or recognized I am. My identity is in being chosen, wanted, loved as I am, not as I think I should be."

And in an instant - my longings for more, for Mystery, for healing get swallowed up by the scolding. Unlike Blind Bart, I don't scream more loudly toward God: "Son of David, have mercy on me!" I succumb to the "shushing", and let my longings get immersed in a frenzy of proprieties.

Why is it such a struggle to receive this - to integrate my value as the beloved of God into my daily living so that I stop my compulsive striving for significance? Am I gaining a covert gratification from all this introspection? Am I too afraid to live healed? How can I be free - live loved and without so much energy being sucked out by my fears? Why is His call to be with Him (Mark 3:13) not enough?

Just stating my struggle and relentless questions has lightened me a little.

Perhaps Deep has called out to deep and assured me at a level of which I am unaware. But now I can eek out a quiet, "I want to see too!" It might blossom to shouting some day. But today, Lord, I want the courage to live boldly and unashamedly in Your Presence - freely desperate for your healing despite these dratted internal and external scoldings I endure day to day - sometimes minute by minute.

Oh Lord, how will this manifest out into an equally restless and scolded world that also needs your healing? Every person I encounter today feels scolded for some way they are struggling to be smarter, thinner, faster, deeper. In short, scolded for their struggle to uncover their true and free self. Help me not to "shush" the longings - theirs or mine. I cannot help others unless you free me from my own scolding voices.

As you consider these words:
What word or phrase stands out to unnerve or ignite you?
In what ways do you scold yourself? Others? 

What longings for freedom are underneath?

The above is an excerpt from the unhurryUp! into Easter: A Lenten Devotional by Paula Gamble. For more information - please go to the Lent pilgrimage page on this website. Thanks.

Noticing our "divided" lives...

At Christmas, we celebrated God with us...God incarnating...the Holy becoming human and dwelling among us - and for those who have trusted His love and forgiveness - dwelling IN us. The incarnation, is a place where God cut the divide, in many ways, between sacred and secular. 

In Lent, we look at the things that keep us living "divided" - separating out God to certain parts of our days or week. In what ways (or in what parts of your life) do you live "divided"?

• For you visual peeps - draw/take a picture that shows "division."
• For you poetic peeps - how about a "tanka" (Japanese) style poem following these numbers of syllables 5-7-5-7-7 in the lines (no need to rhyme)
• For you audio peeps - a video clip that captures the sound of division...

Looking forward to hearing/seeing your heart's interactions - feel free to join our Lenten pilgrimage community on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/events/571557362855343/

Sauntering...

"I think that I cannot preserve my health and spirits, unless I spend four hours a day at least - and it is commonly more than that - sauntering through the woods and over the hills and fields, absolutely free from all worldly engagements." ~ Henry David Thoreau

No wonder I like HDT!

A very cool blessing

Today I got to participate with some Spiritual Directors in training - they are a part of the Franciscan Spiritual Center's program for SD training. It was an honor to be with them - hearing their hearts, questions, what they are discerning etc. At the end we gave and received a blessing.... eyes open to look at those sharing the journey:

Sacred is the call

Awesome, indeed, the entrustment.

Tending the holy

Tending the holy.

It was an honor both to give, and to receive and share that sacred space!

Disturb us, Lord...

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.
Disturb us, Lord, when
with the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.
Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wilder seas
Where storms will show Your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.
We ask you to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push back the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.
This we ask in the name of our Captain,
Who is Jesus Christ.

Sir Francis Drake

• As you read this poem, what word or phrases most either expand or unnerve you?
• What emotions do they "disturb" or elicit in you?

Read the poem again aloud

• Ask the Lord... "How does this connect to my current life, relationships and circumstances?

Listen to what wells up in your soul. Consider journaling what you sense.

• Ask the Lord... "What are you inviting me toward?"

As you enter into this week, each morning ask God for the grace to let Him "disturb" you away from the shore and toward the stars.

The role of doubt in our journey...

Today, in Catholic tradition, the church celebrates Thomas – the disciple who gained the moniker “doubting” because of his honest expression of his need/desire to see the scars of his crucified and risen Rabbi first hand. Perhaps Thomas is in the bargaining stage of grieving – afterall he just watched the one he had hoped was the Messiah be betrayed, surrender himself to arrest, unjustly tried, beaten, mocked, tortured and hung on a cross to die and laid in a tomb. Not that he was there to see all that, because he, along with all but John, deserted Jesus and fled the night of Jesus' arrest. No doubt he had doubts about himself as well...perhaps doubts about his own life choices...the scars of his own heart... the piercing of his soul that he deserted his friend.

While some of his companions may have been in the sad, or mad or denial stage of grief – it seems Thomas is in the bargaining stage- “unless I see X, I won't Y.” Somehow in this expression, he is self-contained and honest with his desire/need for a different outcome. He doesn't let it leak out into a impugning blame or a demand on others (e.g. “unless YOU do X, I won't Y” or “unless God does X, I won't Y.”) He states what he needs for himself. He states what He desires. He states clearly what wishes would happen or would be different – what he can and cannot do at this time. I cannot believe without seeing his scars.

I like how Thomas had the freedom of expressing this need. He knew Mary's story – how she encountered a “gardener” who spoke her name and in an instant she knew it was her Lord. He's heard the story of Peter and John running to the tomb, the appearance of angels declaring, “He is not here, He is risen!” He heard Cleopas and his pal from Emmaus talk about Jesus unpacking the Scriptures to them. He's heard everyone around him keep saying, “We saw the Lord!” But he didn't. He wanted to...needed to...and boldly expressed his desire.

The text doesn't tell us what happened after his declaration – did Philip roll his eyes? Did Peter sympathize with his doubt and sense of betrayal? Did Andrew come over to give him a pep talk? Or did Nathaniel try to reason with him based upon what he had seen? Did Bartholomew offer to pray for him so that he wouldn't stray from the faith? Or perhaps John came up and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Did Mary want to hand him a tissue? We don't really know and this is all speculation. But that he states his reality and skepticism and needs in the midst of a group where everyone seems to be in the happy “we've seen the Lord!” club is bold vulnerability. Perhaps he could do this because he sensed this was a safe place where they were all grieving, all struggling, all hoping, all waiting, all patient with one another's journey.

Thomas could've stayed quiet. He could have let his internal shame critics wreak havoc: “Why can't you just believe? Why do you always have to question everything? How much proof is enough – it's never enough for you! Why do you have to be so difficult when everyone around you says differently? You are stubborn and a trouble maker. Why can't you just believe? Snap out of it!”

We don't know if he did or didn't. I suspect, because he was formed from the same fragile dust and flesh as me, that he probably had some internal banter. We are only given, however, his declaration of doubt.

Eight days later, Jesus appears in the locked room where the disciples are gathered. He speaks an oft-spoken post resurrection phrase: “Peace be with you.” Did the disciples remember Jesus saying during the last supper “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid (Jn 14:27)”?

John 14 starts with Jesus saying, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, still, and trust in me...I am going now to prepare a place for you...I shall return to take you to myself...you know the way.” And then Thomas, this one to whom we ascribe doubt, questions Jesus' statement: “Lord, we do not know where you are going, so how can we know the way?” (14:5) Even here (just a few weeks prior), Thomas could have stayed quiet... Peter has already asked, “Where are you going?” (13:36) and Jesus has answered, “Where I am going you cannot follow now...” Thomas could have leaned over to whisper in John's ear, “What does he mean?” Thomas could've thought to himself, “Well if Peter asked and didn't get an answer, why should I bother?” Yet Thomas asks aloud.

During this passover meal, in the midst of all the disciples' questions and ponderments, the Lord speaks of peace and not letting your heart be troubled. In other words, “It's going to get crazy – difficult to believe – I don't give as the world gives...I am giving you peace, trust in God and me, do not be afraid.” Jesus knew his disciples would need to hear these words during his resurrection.

Fast forward to this upper room. Locked doors and Jesus appears, turning his attention to Thomas. Without Thomas asking and without the disciples intervening on Thomas' behalf, explaining to Jesus what they think Thomas needs and petitioning Jesus to give it to him, Jesus speaks. Jesus doesn't say, “Thomas, why didn't you believe your friends? You should have trusted them and remembered my words from our last supper. I told you so.”

He merely walks up to Thomas and says, “Put your finger here and see my hands; put your hand and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.” And upon this encounter with God's scars, Thomas responds: “My Master and my God!”

I don't think this response was just a rote declaration – perhaps how we in the United States might mindlessly recite the pledge of allegiance or how some in liturgical churches might parrot the Lord's prayer, or how Jews might fastidiously recite the Shema. This declaration revealed who Thomas experienced God to be. A God with scars I can declare as my master and my God!

Unlike Mary, he doesn't respond, “Teacher.” Or like the two on the road to Emmaus who recognized Jesus, after many miles of walking, conversing and sharing bread - we don't hear Thomas talk about his burning heart in an aha moment of 20/20 hindsight. He needed to see and touch scars in order to make this faith his own. And Jesus, who could've appeared instantly when Thomas originally expressed his need, waits eight days. He reveals Himself exactly in a time and manner in which Thomas' heart can be unlocked ... same way He does to those of us today who are not in the presence of the physical, resurrected Jesus walking around with his scars.

Truth is, all the original eyewitness and followers of Jesus could be called “doubting.” Until He revealed Himself in the way they would recognize Him they were all doubters. It is not fair to give Thomas the moniker of “doubting.”

Let's call him courageous Thomas – the one who was willing to express his doubts openly, honestly without impugning others or making demands. Let's hope that more of us could participate in communities where there is space and freedom given to express doubt – to neither be talked out of our disbelief and questions nor patronized with pious cliches: “Just believe Thomas! You remember what He says and what the scriptures declare...” Thomas is not disavowed (literally or in pretense) from his community for voicing his doubt.

This encounter invites me to ask and live into my questions and doubts. This invites me to not just blindly take everyone else's word for it. Thomas invites me to be audacious enough (and hopefully in the presence of a safe community that honors without judgment every question and need) to express my longings of how I long to experience the resurrected Christ.

Thomas needed to touch Jesus' scars.

It wasn't enough for him to see Jesus at a distance, to encounter him in a garden and hear him calling his name; he wasn't the kind of guy who needed to bolt out the door to confirm someone's story or see linens lying in an empty tomb. He didn't need God or any of the others to unpack the apologetics of the Scriptures and show how from Moses through the prophets, God's word was pointing to Jesus; He didn't need to encounter Jesus breathing the Holy Spirit on him, or to see a boatload full of fish and eat breakfast on the beach. Thomas needed to know that the resurrected Christ had been pierced and scarred.

Tradition says that Thomas is the one who took the gospel to India. On a trip to India in 2007, I got to visit St. Thomas' mount. It is a small hill in Chennai, where it is said that Thomas was martyred. Thomas arrived in southern India in A.D. 52 and, while in prayer, was slayed with a lance through his back, (in A.D. 72). The striking image is in the entrance to the small church on the top of the hill. On the left side is a caricature of Thomas reaching up his hands toward the scars in Jesus' hands and sides. On the right, Thomas is kneeling in prayer with a lance about to be speared through his back.

What makes a doubter become a martyr? What takes a man from a chosen disciple, to a skeptic, to a missionary/evangelist/church planter, to a martyr 3000 miles away on another continent? The “skeptic” who needed to put his hand in Jesus' pierced side would die by being pierced during prayer on a hill in India. Coincidence?

“Doubts” were integral to Thomas' faith journey. Doubts that could be expressed without everyone thinking he was off his rocker or backsliding into sin or heresy. Jesus knew how to meet his doubt. As a Spiritual Director, I need to trust that Jesus knows how to meet the doubts of those with whom I journey. I need to companion them as they consider, “What the heck is happening?” I need to create space where perhaps doubt can be given room to be lived into, or to reveal what I am really long for. I sometimes struggle to trust that Jesus can reveal himself in ways that will unlock a person's heart, including my own. It's easier to give advice, or a scripture, or my fine theories.

Doubt empowers faith and mission only through an encounter with the One who knows how to be with me in my every thought, fear, hope, question.

Things to ponder:

• What doubts do I have?

• What doubts do my friends have?

• Do I have a place where I feel freedom to express my doubts – why or why not?

• Am I able to create a space where others have freedom to express doubt? What is my first response to those who question? (Tell me more... or admonition to believe? Or?)

Join me in asking for the grace and courage to be able to entrust your heart to the One who knows exactly what you need to experience and when you need to experience it. He knows how to reveal Himself to all who are seeking.

And...if you're willing, express your doubt anonymously here in the comment section – I bet you are not alone.

What vs. Who ...

Today is the celebration of Peter in the liturgical church calendar. In the scripture reading for today, Matthew records this scene of Simon's life:

Matthew 16:13-19

Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, "Who do people say that the Son of Man is?" And they said, "Some say John the Baptist, but others Elijah, and still others Jeremiah or one of the prophets." He said to them, "But who do you say that I am?" Simon Peter answered, "You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God." And Jesus answered him, "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father in heaven. And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not prevail against it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven."

First of all, I like that having just visited Caesaria Philippi, the place in which Jesus declares Peter as a rock looks something like this:

It wasn't out in a desert or in a lush green forest that Jesus talks about Simon being a rock - it was in the vicinity of THIS substantive rock. So much of the geography of the land of Israel contributes to the stories.

Second, earlier in the life of calling the disciples, Jesus asked some of them, "What do you want?" or as some translations say, "What are you seeking/looking for?" (John 1:38). But now, after a few years of this former fisherman leaving his nets to follow Jesus, Simon is asked a different level of question: "Who do you say that I am?" The question is deeper than just merely requiring a factual answer or description - for in declaring who Simon believed Jesus to be, Simon also revealed a bit of his relationship and commitment to Jesus.

For example, a husband can respond to his wife asking "who do you say that I am?" with her name, height, eye color, and occupation. That response says something about how he is relating to and/or what he values in his wife. Or he could say, "You are my beloved, given to me, a precious, beloved child of God and deep lover of life and beauty..." This answer reveals something far different about how he knows her, what he values about her, and how he connects with her. Whenever we describe something/one, I think we describe our relationship to that something/one.

A few years after following Jesus, the "what do you wants" don't seem as important now as the "who do you want." I instantly think of my daily prayers and life longings - honestly, too many days I spend more time interceding/requesting and focusing on the what's than the who. Or in family and friendships, there is, sadly, sometimes a subtle, subconscious what am I getting from time/space with this person vs. just being with a person for who they are. (I'm sure I'm the ONLY one who does this ;)

Simon doesn't answer the "who" question with mere facts. His declaration that Jesus is Messiah - means that everything Simon, as a good Jewish boy would believe is true about Messiah, affects how he will live. It reveals how Simon is connected to this Rabbi... he is more than a good teacher and superhuman curiousity. He is Messiah. And in this moment, Jesus - realizing that Simon could not have conjured up this answer (with all its implications) on his own, renames Simon - you are Petros and on this petra I will build my church...

Name changes in the Bible...always signify a new direction...a new focus...a new assignment. Peter has moved from a relationship with Jesus as a "what do you want?" to a "who do you want?" The name change almost marking the spot where Peter staked his life not on a task/what - but on a who. 

Would he do it perfectly? Thank goodness no! I take great comfort in Peter's honest portrayal of imperfection. But I sure want to pursue church and disciple building from a posture of who rather than from a posture what. 

• What does this stir in you?
• How might you celebrate Peter today?
• What parts of Peter's life do you connect to most and why?
• Who do you say Jesus is? What does that say about you?

Cacti in the Sand

Cacti in the Sand

Not all deserts are made of sand and dust and
Cacti
Some are desolate oases
In the midst of busyness
Sighted when one stumbles
And notices the barrenness
That is caused by doing and not
Stopping to soak in the present.
This is a call
To pitch a tent in solitude
And attend to the thirst
Deep in the center of one’s soul
Where the gifts of each moment,
Like cacti in the sand,
Are waiting to bloom.

March reflection provided by SDI member and poet Roberta Meyer of Holland, Indiana, USA.

Hey everyone -

Stay tuned for details for a unhurried pilgrimage through the Lent season - you'll have a chance to sign up for daily emails, mp3s and guided reflections to help you center your soul during the season of Lent.

Hope you can join me.

For more info on reFresh go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Strengthening the Soul retreats -

 

Strengthening the Soul - a package of seasonal day retreats to empower, anchor and enrichen your daily living     "Who wants to live a shallow, hollow existence on the surface of things? We downsize our souls to achieve a safer bottom line of religious acceptability... to open up our souls and discover the fullness of who we are in the stream of God's love has not ever been an option for many Christians." ~Jeff Imbach     And it is an option now!   Introducing Strengthening the Soul - a series of 4 day retreats over the period of a year designed to open your soul to discover the fullness of who you are in the stream of God's love.   Over the last 3 1/2 years of facilitating people toward God's love I've noticed there is something about pulling away with an intentional focus on God in a “spacious and unhurried place” that unsticks and empowers people in a way “normal” spiritual habits cannot... I've witnessed it over and over again in profound, whether subtle or overtly miraculous, ways. I've heard many speak of longing to participate in such a time, but because of either cost, time, or our all too commonly overstuffed lives, it continues to be something "I'll get to one of these days.” Well, one of these days is now here. How about investing in yourself by committing to 4 Saturdays over the period of a year where you might build a regular rhythm of caring for and strengthening the "you" that longs to live a full, rich, gutsy, and perhaps even messy but meaningful, life?   These four Strengthening the Soul day retreats (1 per season over the year) meet a need for something in between an occasional day retreat and the more intensive 2 year commitment to the ACT Journey Strengthening the Soul - That's right - it's a quad of day retreats - a package deal - a "let's intentionally pursue soul care and soul strength this year with other people who long to do the same" type of thing. The dates: Once every 3 months over a year. Sept 27th,  Dec 3, 2011 & March 17, June 23, 2012 Each retreat will run from 9am-3:30p on a Saturday.   The Cost: Only $149 for all four retreats - this includes lunch! That's only $37.25/retreat!   To put this in perspective: a "normal" day reFresh is $65. Though steep for some people, many of us still find the time and money to pay for a gym membership at $40+/month, and counseling...and massage...and sports tickets...and cable/satellite TV... Bottom line: we will invest in the things we think are important! What are you investing in your soul?   The Place:The Table Community Church campus out in the beautiful rolling hills of Stafford, OR (Wilsonville). The church is an historic, white-steepled sanctuary with room to roam or cozy up in a corner.   For more info and to register go click here.   If you are a member of the Table, GracePoint Fellowship, or Cru and want to participate, please email me Special Offer   The first five people to register and pay in full will receive a $25 refund. That amounts to $31 per retreat! What a deal!   These five spots are likely to go fast... there are only 15-20 spots available. Please feel free to forward this to friends!   The next day reFresh is around the corner!   Sept. 17th at the exquisite DreamGiver's Inn (only 2 spots left)   Fall dates for a day reFresh @ the wonderful DreamGiver's Inn    Oct 12th Nov 19th (Sat) Nov 30th (Advent)   ACT Journey III Want to discover, recover or deepen your intimacy with Christ? Consider the 2012-2014 2-year ACT Journey. More info here.   Next weekend reFresh Nov 11-13, 2011 Consider coming together as a small group to enter the holidays with God's guidance! More info here.       I'd love to journey with you in this upcoming year of day retreats designed to Strengthen Your Soul...   ~paula Soul Artisan   creating unhurried spaces to help others discover the art of living courageously and authentically in the stream of God's love

Trust me...

(This is a part of my "loaves and fishes" offerings - click here to see the original post.)

 

Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, 

he embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. 

He did all this on his own, with no help from us! 

Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heaven in company with Jesus, our Messiah.  

Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next 

to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. 

Saving is all his idea, and all his work. 

All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. 

It's God's gift from start to finish! (Eph 2 MSG)

This morning as I settled into Mt. Sinai - my big recliner chair where I go to still my soul in God's presence - I centered my heart with the word, "Embraced." Each time my wandered to my to-do list, pick music, do my reimbursement, groceries to add to the list, etc. - I would breathe deeply, utter "embraced" and come back to a place of peace. I'm not sure how many times I had to utter my word...but I remember that each time I do so, I am "consenting" to open my heart to the One who has immense love and showers grace and kindnesses on me (Eph 2: 1-7 MSG)

Finally my heart settled. And I sensed deep call to my deep: "Trust me."

Immediately my body tensed. "Uh-oh," I worried, "what's gonna happen?" immediately followed by "You don't think I trust you?" with a whimpering sense of self-pity.

I am a tad disturbed by my reactions. Why do I immediately fear difficulties and impending deficits upon hearing God invite me to trust Him? What are the things I am not trusting Him with? Which relationships? What aspect of reFresh? Provision of finances? His forming me and this ministry entrusted to me? And, my defensiveness wanted to tout to God all the ways I have trusted him...for multiple decades now, thank you very much!

No answers.

No specific applications.

No hint of anything on the horizon...but a plea to the depths of my soul to "Trust Me."

Today, I do not know what that will look like. In reality, I don't know what it looks like tomorrow either. But each moment, I will remember that I am in His embrace...He is trustworthy.

Breathe, Paula, breathe. 

My greatest calling in life is to believe He is good. He is for me. He can be trusted with ALL of me.

Imagine hearing God say to you: "Trust me."

• How do you react?
• Pay attention to your physical, embodied reactions.
• Do you get excited or fearful when you hear these words?
• What aspect of God helps you return to peace - i.e. what does He want to reveal to you about who He is so as to deepen your intimacy with and trust in Him?

On your journey of "trusting God" - consider having your spiritual journey "companioned" by  a trained spiritual director. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice in the church – where a "soul friend" travels alongside and lends you courage to pay attention to all that your life – your true life – is voicing and longing to voice and contribute to a world in need. A Spiritual Director helps you engage with spiritual techniques that help you discover, recover or deepen your intimacy and enjoyment of the real God - not who you imagine, fear or want God to be. In Spiritual direction, the director does not direct or coach your life – but (s)he will help you overhear the nuances of your own soul in tandem with the True Director, the Holy Spirit. For more info or questions on how to find a Spiritual Director and/or ask what Spiritual Direction is all about, click here or on the links below.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Enjoying God

(This is a part of my "loaves and fishes" offerings - click here to see the original post.)

"The enjoyment of God should be the supreme end of spiritual technique..."                J.S. Mackenzie

"The chief end of humankind is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever."

Westminster Shorter Catechism

In the realm of spiritual formation - which is somewhat of a fad term these days (i.e. you'll get about as many definitions as there are people trying to define it AND "programs" that will help you be "formed" with three easy steps for $79.95)  - there are many spiritual "disciplines" which are offered to help a person turn to God, to "contemplate God," in order to help one be more open to being conformed to His image. We hear from the pulpit that we are to be "like Christ" in the midst of our ordinary daily living. We are encouraged to invite others to "come and see" Jesus - but what are they seeing? How does true spiritual transformation happen? And is it happening in your life as you heed the "action steps" of a weekly admonition?

Primarily, true transformation happens because the Lord, who is the spirit, brings freedom - as we behold Christ, what "veils" us from true life is taken away - and we are transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory (2 Cor 3: 15-18). One of my professors at Western Seminary, Dr. J. Carl Laney, said often, "We are transformed to the level of our beholding." Therefore, spiritual disciplines are supposed to help us "behold" Christ and open our hearts to His love so that we may be like Him (NOTE: 1 John 3:2 - could it be that as Christ appears to us, not only in the 2nd coming, but in our everyday lives, we will become more like Him?)

Most people, however, when confronted with the idea of spiritual "disciplines," imagine ascetic, arduous and painful practices to "slay" the lusts of the flesh etc. In other words, to stop sinning; To alter behavior - don't drink or chew or go with girls who do. The end result - often a church comprised of people who look like they've been sucking on lemons. (I'm borrowing phrases from my former pastor!) I'm not convinced that most Christians are actually practicing disciplines that help them actually to enjoy God, to enjoy the generosity He lavishes upon us, and as a result, to mirror a life that brings glory to Him.

Furthermore, in what ways do you and I and our church bodies sense God enjoying us? Brennan Manning often says that he believes God loves him because God is theologically bound to do so. "But, do I believe He likes me?" This is much harder to believe, but if embraced would radically transform whole congregations.

Do you believe He enjoys and delights in you - likes you? Why or why not?

This week, I encountered more people seemingly enjoying God/life (at least His creation) while walking in the woods then I did in church. I received more blessings and kindnesses from "strangers" I passed then from people sitting in the pews. Why are people happier walking in the woods then sitting in a worship service? Hmmm.

What spiritual "techniques" do you employ in your life?

• "Quiet Time" -  a common term to describe a set aside time to study the Bible and discover timeless principles by which to order our lives. Why is it the "only" quiet time of our day? Why so compartmentalized? Regardless, if you have a "quiet time" - does it bear the fruit of enjoyment/joy in your day as you interact with others, yourself, your circumstances?


• Prayer - In what ways do your prayers lend you enjoyment of God? Life? Living?


• Attending small groups - Is there an honest enjoyment of being with God and others in your gathering - how does it impact the rest of your week?

There are many, many spiritual disciplines one can undertake to discover, recover or deepen their intimacy and enjoyment of God. A great resources is Adele Calhoun's book, the Spiritual Disciplines Handbook. In it she clearly denotes that it is not the disciplines (doing all of them, doing them in order, doing them "rightly") that are the goal. But choosing the ones that help you open your heart to trust His love - and that bear the fruit of enjoying God.

How is God inviting you to intentional cooperate with opening your heart to His love and to enjoying Him?

Mackenzie continues:

The enjoyment of God should be the supreme end of spiritual technique; and it is in that enjoyment of God that we feel not only saved in the Evangelical sense, but safe: we are conscious of belonging to God, and hence are never alone; and, to the degree we have these tow, hostile feelings will disappear..."

As you enter the fall season, evaluate your spiritual techniques...which are leading you toward an enjoyment of God, others and self? Maybe you need to "shake up" your current routine by asking God how He'd like to spend time with you. Please let me know what you discover.

If you are interested in or desiring to have a spiritual life more characterized by enjoyment of God, vs. a rote, uninspiring duty, consider having your spiritual journey "companioned" by  a trained spiritual director. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice in the church – where a "soul friend" journeys alongside and lends you courage to pay attention to all that your life – your true life – is voicing and longing to voice and contribute to a world in need. A Spiritual Director helps you engage with spiritual techniques that help you discover, recover or deepen your intimacy and enjoyment of the real God - not who you imagine, fear or want God to be. In Spiritual direction, the director does not direct or coach your life – but (s)he will help you overhear the nuances of your own soul in tandem with the True Director, the Holy Spirit. For more info or questions on how to find a Spiritual Director and/or ask what Spiritual Direction is all about, click here or on the links below.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 


• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

What's in a name? My thoughts on Campus Crusade for Christ's name change...

My life was deeply influenced and developed by nearly 16 years (19 if you count my collegiate involvement) with CCC. I am grateful for so much gifted to me in the years both as new staff to being a regional director and from living in the states and overseas. May God Bless you Cru.

All opinions are my own...no one in Cru paid me for my testimonial :) Would love to hear your thoughts and comments - feel free to share.

www.mysoulrefresh.com

Being Gentle with Myself in the Questions - Part III

(This is a part of my "loaves and fishes" offerings - click here to see the original post. Being Gentle with myself in the Questions - Part I is here.)

What does being gentle with myself even mean?

Accepting my humanness...my struggle...my questions...my contradictions...and to stand in the Presence of God with all that I am – all that I cherish and all that makes me shudder. It is letting my current pain, the newness of this place in my spiritual and soul journey, reveal not only my questions but also my longings beneath the questions. Mostly, my pain reveals my need for God to be my all in all, and for me to abandon to His love and care. This is not a one-time act. It is daily. It is moment by moment. It is currently very tiring for I am not surrendering to the process...but fighting...perhaps like a soon-to-be born afraid to come out of the womb. 

Surrender is...

...costly

...rewarding

...messy

...beautiful

...amazing

...miraculous

...painful

...yielding unparalleled joy

As I type, a heavy sigh emerges...my heart is pounding, I can feel it in my chest and my jaw/neck.

I am a stubborn woman, Lord. 

This too I bring into Your Presence and ask that You will give me rest – 

a settledness that likely won't answer my questions 

or even quiet my insecurities, 

but where I am free, at home, messy and miraculous,

able to be me without any masks, make-up, illusions etc. 

Here am I, just as I am...

today with fear and hope...

wondering how in the world those two things can co-exist, 

but they do because of Your kindnesses toward my heart and life.

---

If you are asking ultimate life questions - trying to “figure life out” - or ready to consider some of these deeper longings of your soul, please consider journeying with a soul friend – a trained spiritual director. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice in the church – where you companion with a person who journeys alongside and lends you courage to pay attention to all that your life – your true life – is voicing and longing to voice and contribute to a world in need. A Spiritual Director does not direct or coach your life – but (s)he will help you overhear the nuances of your own soul in tandem with the True Director, the Holy Spirit. For more info or questions on how to find a Spiritual Director and/or ask what Spiritual Direction is all about, click here or on the links below.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Being Gentle with Myself in the Questions - Part II

(This is a part of my "loaves and fishes" offerings - click here to see the original post. Being Gentle with myself in the Questions - Part I is here.)

I have so many contradictions:

• I want to be wanted...I fear to be wanted.
• I want to be useful...I don't want to have others' unrealistic expectations imposed upon me.
• I love and thrive to be alone...I ache in being alone ...

Is this normal?

How can I invite others to deep places of these painful questions and contradictions, with an invitation also, to surrender even in the midst of unsatisfactory answers? I know the discomforts of living by faith with a nebulous, Mysterious Lover. The heights and depths and widths of His Love both surpass my understanding and whet my appetite for the more. But "the more" is daunting, and my doubts ebb and flow as constant and rhythmic as the tides. When the tide is low, so much in my life and soul feels exposed, stranded, stuck.

Breathe. I must remember to breathe.

I hear an echo of voices past and present urging me to be gentle with myself. I cannot hear this enough, It is easy to dispense similar advice to others, but honestly, I struggle to know what it looks like in my day to day life and calling. It makes me wonder if the fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22-23) – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control – is as much a gift toward myself as it is toward others? In other words, how can I be gentle with my neighbor if a) I have not experienced God's gentleness and b) I have not been gentle with myself? Without these primary experiences, any gentleness I show to others is contrived and likely manipulative – existing only to portray my spirituality, not embody it.

• How are you able to be gentle with yourself? 
• Or how have you experienced the gentleness of God?
• What difference might it make to be more gentle with yourself? 
• Which area of your life do you struggle most (i.e. have high expectations of yourself) in being gentle?
• What does your heart want to pray?

---

If you are asking ultimate life questions - trying to “figure life out” - or ready to consider some of these deeper longings of your soul, please consider journeying with a soul friend – a trained spiritual director. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice in the church – where you companion with a person who journeys alongside and lends you courage to pay attention to all that your life – your true life – is voicing and longing to voice and contribute to a world in need. A Spiritual Director does not direct or coach your life – but (s)he will help you overhear the nuances of your own soul in tandem with the True Director, the Holy Spirit. For more info or questions on how to find a Spiritual Director and/or ask what Spiritual Direction is all about, click here or on the links below.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Being Gentle with Myself in the Questions - Part I

(This is a part of my "loaves and fishes" offerings - click here to see the original post)

So, what are my questions?

What is the “it” that I'm trying to figure out? What am I asking and hoping that if I do get an answer, will render my life more peaceful, meaningful, fulfilling, restful and in sync with God?

Honestly, at least currently, much of my struggles, doubts and insecurities stem from my “aloneness.” But indeed, it is the greatest paradox of my life. I love to be alone – to create alone – to enjoy stillness and solitude and quiet... I'm energized deeply by a leisurely, quiet morning in front of a fire reading, or gardening, reflecting, meditating, praying, sauntering. Typically, I do these best alone. I am the one who can't wait to go to a cabin in the woods/at the coast/in the gorge for a week by myself (with my dog and cat, of course.)

Though I have a preference for aloneness, I know I need community. I also have friends and communities with whom I intentionally share my life and even my struggles. Sometimes they are life-giving. At other times, the innate human temptation to “fix” one another predominates and I walk away even more discouraged. As a self-proclaimed selfish, finite, fumbling human I don't need a pep talk any more than a smoker needs to be told that smoking is not good for your health. I have a love/hate relationship with my communities, and as an extreme introvert who prefers monk-ish rhythms and thinks homesteading in simplicity on Walden pond, like Thoreau, would be idyllic, I struggle to be gentle with myself in giving me the space I need and finding the balance between alone/together so as to gift myself with what is appropriate for my sanity.

I know this about me...I need space to be alone. I cannot offer any "presence" to others unless I've regenerated in these abundant spaces - and for me, it seems to take a whole lot more than for others. And/or, I've been daring enough to re-align my life, live more simply, in order to take the space I need so I can be present and loving to God, self and others. In the midst there is a costly, beautiful ache in the aloneness. He has called me to be near...and I have devoted my life to be close to the Lord (Jer. 30:21) Regardless, beneath the aloneness I am not so much lonely as much as I wonder, “Am I desirable? Do I have value and beauty regardless of my capabilities? Am I wanted for more than what I have to offer? Can I be the monk-ish me in the midst of a world that feverishly pursues so much vanity?”

The world (nor the church) is set up well for those of us with contemplative monk-ish hearts. Oh to be gentle with myself and with the church...I'm not so good at either.

---

If you are asking ultimate life questions - trying to “figure life out” - or ready to consider some of these deeper longings of your soul, please consider journeying with a soul friend – a trained spiritual director. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice in the church – where you companion with a person who journeys alongside and lends you courage to pay attention to all that your life – your true life – is voicing and longing to voice and contribute to a world in need. A Spiritual Director does not direct or coach your life – but (s)he will help you overhear the nuances of your own soul in tandem with the True Director, the Holy Spirit. For more info or questions on how to find a Spiritual Director and/or ask what Spiritual Direction is all about, click here or on the links below.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

LIVING THE QUESTIONS – PART III

(This is a part of my "loaves and fishes" offerings - click here to see the original post - Living the questions - Part I is here.)

Only God can meet my haunting questions satisfactorily. I don't think He necessarily answers the question, but he promises to be with me – and that is [or at least was originally intended to be] enough.

The Lord is my Shepherd – I shall not want (ps. 23:1). 

Oh to be so content and trusting that my every unanswered question dissipates in His Presence...that I don't need to know because His Presence that goes with me also gives me rest (a settledness/at-home-ness in His Presence) Ex 33

In Spiritual Direction with a compassionate listener, she, in her silent, attentive presence with me, gives me courage to be comfortable with unknowing. A good Spiritual Director, like a good river guide, has journeyed into the territory of the rough waters of the soul. She is engaged in the practice of encountering giant boulders of pain, swirling currents of questions and undertows of desire. She is one who is herself living the questions, surrendering to the heights, depths and widths of God's love that surpass her understanding (Eph. 3: 18-21).

The journey requires unknowing...a trustful surrendering of what I think I know to be true...this cannot be done in a nice, half-hour morning devotional where I extrapolate principles for bettering my life (behavior, attitudes, etc). For most North Americans bred on dualistic reasoning, linear thinking and with the internet at our disposal to gorge our brains with information – we think knowledge/info and "googling it" is power (perhaps even our means to 'salvation'). We believe answers will relieve our suffering. We are rarely invited to a journey of unknowing. Yet the One who is Mystery...well, He gently beckons...not to impart knowledge, but to be with.

Nouwen writes: 

“Teachers can only teach when there are students who want to learn. Spiritual Directors can direct only when there are seekers who come with a question. Without a question, an answer is experienced as manipulation or control. Without a struggle, the help offered is considered interference. And without the desire to learn, direction is easily felt as oppression” (8).

Do you have vexing questions? Are you weary of living in a pathological busyness that is sucking love and life out of your days?

Again, Nouwen offers the value of spiritual companionship and guidance: “Spiritual guidance affirms the basic quest for meaning. It calls for the creation of space in which the validity of the questions does not depend on the availability of answers but on the questions' capacity to open us up to new perspectives and horizons” (9).

Oh how I long for people to experience relief – to companion others into the rough and glorious waters of the soul. reFresh was born out of this longing to created unhurried space for the soul. But just as not everyone will desire to go on a wild, white water rapid adventure for fear of being flipped out of the boat...not many desire to go into unchartered waters and canyons and rapids of the soul...where breathtaking, life-altering views and experiences lay waiting. I long for reFresh to be a place where people can ask the questions, to live the questions with God and one another, to let the questions (and God) open us to new perspectives and horizons.

Anyone interested and want to join me?

---

If you are asking ultimate life questions - trying to “figure life out” - or ready to consider some of these deeper longings of your soul, please consider journeying with a soul friend – a trained spiritual director. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice in the church – where you companion with a person who journeys alongside and lends you courage to pay attention to all that your life – your true life – is voicing and longing to voice and contribute to a world in need. A Spiritual Director does not direct or coach your life – but (s)he will help you overhear the nuances of your own soul in tandem with the True Director, the Holy Spirit. For more info or questions on how to find a Spiritual Director and/or ask what Spiritual Direction is all about, click here or on the links below.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com